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After several months of carefully analyzing my data, I am proud to release the results of the scientific experiment I performed while on the scene at Midwest Furfest 2005. Please read below for an overview of this study and its implications on the fandom!
Anyone who has spent time in the furry fandom as undoubtedly heard of Uncle Kage. He is the chairman of Anthrocon, the large gathering on the eastern coast of the US. He also spends most of his time and money attending other conventions around the country and world. Okay, maybe not most of it, but definitely more than I do. I conducted this experiment to see the dynamics of Uncle Kage throughout a furry convention. How long does he last? Does he get tired, eat or sleep at all? Or maybe he's really just sleeping with his eyes open the whole time? Hopefully by the end of this experiment, I will find out.
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Friday Morning
Uncle Kage has a considerable following of fanboys, but did you know that he is also quite the rabid fanboy himself? I caught him drooling (almost literally) over Guest of Honor Tincrash early Friday morning. Maybe it was just too early in the morning for him, but something about that psychotic look on his face just doesn't seem like drowsiness to me. It appears that Uncle Kage is wide awake and ready to go do the Opening Ceremonies shortly. It is still early on in the convention; I wonder how long his energy will last? Let's find out...
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Friday Afternoon
I knew my study was probably in trouble when Uncle Kage was murdered during Opening Ceremonies. After all, it's kind of hard to study the dynamics of an individual that's kind of dead. I was beginning to formulate a way to continue my study with fabricated results, but to my surprise, at the end of the event, Uncle Kage was resurrected by some unknown force. Maybe it was a higher power that wanted me to continue my study, or some kind of magical forcefield that was lifted when the ceremonies ended. Maybe it was the stuff I ate at Boston Market the previous evening. Whatever the reason, I was thankfully able to continue my study on what makes Uncle Kage tick.
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Friday Evening
After a long day of panels, fursuiting, and air guitar, I ran into Uncle Kage once again. What good fortune! He expressed his interest in continuing the experiment, so I took another picture for my records. However, it seems a new variable has been added to the equation. It seems he is doing an experiment of his own: the effects of various liquids on his body. His cup contained a very noxious substance which is coloquially referred to as wine. I hear that this is very normal for him to consume at conventions, so I ignored any side effects this may have had on my results. Despite the outside influence of the "wine" on his body, he still appeared to be in good spirits with a large amount of energy. I know I was ready to hit the sack around this time. Maybe he is powered by Energizer batteries or something? He just keeps going...
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Sunday
Due to a number of other obligations, I was not able to document Uncle Kage at all on Saturday. However, while going incognito in the fursuit parade, I spotted him. Hopefully he didn't notice me when I waved and he said "Hi, Taren!" because that may have affected my results. That would have been disasterous. Walking along with the rest of the fursuit parade was definitely the best place to observe Uncle Kage from and not be noticed, definitely. I'll have to remember that for next time.
Once again, I happened to run into him in the atrium. Hoping to obtain a good number of samples of Uncle Kage throughout the convention, I took this photo as well. It couldn't hurt, right? Scientists do this all the time. He is still going and full of energy! Perhaps I should have made more observations, because this seems like a statistical anomaly.
After documenting his condition at this point, we compared notes. He told me that in general, his energy level remains high like this well through the con, right up until the point where he has to leave, at which point it crashes. Unfortunately, I was not able to see this supposed "crash" but I'm sure it would be a scientist's dream to see such data.
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Conclusion
According to my data collected, I have deduced that Uncle Kage must be an alien. Nobody in the furry fandom can possibly stay as energetic as he did. As you can see by this handy chart below, Uncle Kage's energy levels are consistently way above normal. Well, except for that part where he was dead for a little while. These high energy levels are completely unheard of in the furry fandom, where most energy levels stay somewhere around the mild to tepid range.
The only explanation I can come up with is that it has something to do with the strange substance in his cup that I saw him consuming part of the way through the study. While this substance known as "wine" has a negative effect on most subjects, including intoxication and/or loss of consciousness, it seems that something about Uncle Kage's alien physiology can handle this dangerous liquid.
It also seems that as long as this "wine" is sacrificed to Uncle Kage in the form of ritual offering, he will remain an upbeat, positive, and friendly individual. It has yet to be documented by the scientific community what happens when this appeasement is not fulfilled, but one can only guess. Next time you see him, help buy Uncle Kage booze! The alien takeover is closer than you think!
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Study and Report done by